Awesomely bad jokes (PG15-Language)

[ToyotaWish]

Here's a worse one:

A man with a 25 inch long weenie goes to his doctor to complain that he
is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more
than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there
anything you can do for me?

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my weenie is
25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are
my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into
the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog
sitting on a log. This frog has magical powers. You must say to frog,
will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less
to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out
to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!"
The man looked down and suddenly his wee was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" However he realized it's
still too long at 20 inches, so he asked the frog to marry him again."
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his pants, looked down, and it was another
5 inches shorter.

The man laughed,"This is fantastic." He looked down again, 15 inches
long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster,
just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond
and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times
do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!














New one.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam,
you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir,anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[ToyotaWish]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

~~~~~


A plane is just about to crash and a woman stands up, takes her clothes off, and offers anyone to make her feel like a woman one more time b4 she dies.

A man at the back takes his shirt off and says;

"here, can u iron this?"

~~~~~

A man came back from work, he immediately drop to the sofa lazily, calling out to his wife, "Hey you, bring a beer from the fridge fast, it is gona starrt"

Angrily, the wife fetched the beer to him, the man drink the beer real fast, and shouted out to his wife again for another beer,"Get me one more, quick, its gonna start sooooon", although unwilling, the wife still grudgingly fetch him another can.

This time the man took a longer time to finish the beer, and he shouted to his wife,"One more beer, it gona start anytime soon..."

This time the wife cannot take it anymore, she ranted, "The moment u came home, u drop like a log on the sofa, asking me to be ur waitress, waiting for your darn game to start.. who do u think i am... some sort... ... ... ... ..."

The man whispered, "Great... it has started... ... "

~~~~~



Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"

~~~~~

A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor.

The assistant said, "Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?"

To which the blonde replies, "I've got Windows"

~~~~~

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT chick from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"

~~~~~

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

~~~~~

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[ToyotaWish]

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch . It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre....

[bucksavage]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHLOLOLOLOLHAHAHAHAHAH
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ToyotaWish]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blowjobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
sceptical and laughed it off!
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're
gone!!!!'

[ToyotaWish]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.


On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said,

"I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer.

"Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"


After a moment she asked, blushing,

"Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the
bed.

And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.


"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
disappointed with that."

Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.



"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with."

She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.

People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."


"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied.

"And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,

I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am , yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"


"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

[bucksavage]

HAHAHAHAH  Holy crap!  That was hilarious..........

[ToyotaWish]

Thought i'd revive this.



An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon...











"F*** off,' she said, 'they're for the funeral."

[CrownVic316]

Ouch LOL

[ToyotaWish]

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"

:p

[ROCKPORT POLICE GUY]

here's a good one:

What's a mad person's favorite supermarket?

In-Sainsbury's!

Sainsbury's is a British supermarket.

[Roadstar]

A woman is pregnanat & her husband calls in hospital. Nurse tells him, "Calm down. Now tell me, is this her first child?' The husband replies, "No you fool, its her husband speaking".

[bucksavage]

Hahahaha......good one!

[Car Freak]

here's a good one:

What's a mad person's favorite supermarket?

In-Sainsbury's!

Sainsbury's is a British supermarket.

Alright, that's not a bad one...

Q: What do u call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a day?
A: Polly-nomial

Q: What do u call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a year?
A: Polly-gon

[ROCKPORT POLICE GUY]

here's a good one:

What's a mad person's favorite supermarket?

In-Sainsbury's!

Sainsbury's is a British supermarket.

Alright, that's not a bad one...

Q: What do u call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a day?
A: Polly-nomial

Q: What do u call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a year?
A: Polly-gon

that one is already on here!