Awesomely bad jokes (PG15-Language)

[bucksavage]

LOL That was a good one!!

I got one that is actually a true story.  I guess it is something that Winston Chruchill actuall said.  

"Winston Churchill was a bit tipsy in the hHouse.  A female member stood and said someting to the effect of "Sir you are drunk, this is an outrage!!"

And he said......

"yes madam, I am drunk, and you are ugly but tomorrow, I shall be sober....."


_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

because they have big fingers!

[ToyotaWish]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.

"The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

:p

[ToyotaWish]

[Power^Steer|nG]

LOFL @ that pharmacist joke.... hahahahaha

[CrownVic316]

Monty Wolf and the 'Death Bunny' eh? Nice pics.

[bucksavage]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Funny!!!!!

This one was sent to me in an email:


A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the
wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful!  Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see
how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to
the house and knocked on the door.  A warm voice said, "Come on in."  When
they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over
the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken
window.  A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir.  We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.  "Oh, no apology is necessary.  Actually I want to thank you... You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
  Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.  I'll give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said.  He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."  
"No problem," said the genie.  "You've got it, it's the least I can do.  And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!  And now you, young lady, what do
you want?" the genie asked.  "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country in the world," she said.  "Consider it done," the
genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and
natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your
wish, genie?"  "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife".
  The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses.  What do you think?"  She mulled it
over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.  Considering our
good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know
I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the
genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon
enjoying each other in every way.  After about three hours of non-stop sex,
the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old
are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
  "NO KIDDING?!?" he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"

[Car Freak]

Check out this video: Super Funny!!!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jhTxRssxfuI

And the original:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=6MvSAoJdMW0

[Sinister]

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.
The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"

And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the **** out!".

The next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!"

So the boss says, to him, "Get the **** out!" As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it."

So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?"

So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

[ToyotaWish]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and decide to stop for a rest.

They pull into a nice hotel and take a room, but they plan to sleep for only four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for

$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms are certainly not worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and! wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here and you could have," explains the Manager

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is made out only for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[TS]

Owned. :p

[bucksavage]

How but a Yakoff Smirnoff joke?
In Mother Russia, you don't watch TV, TV watches you...


A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, naked save for being wrapped in several layers of plastic wrap.  the doctor looks him over and says, "Well, I can can clearly see you're nuts.  "

[Zpectre]

How but a Yakoff Smirnoff joke?
In Mother Russia, you don't watch TV, TV watches you...

This is called the "Russian Reversal" by the Portuguese Uncyclopedia and it's referenced in nearly every topic... "In Russia, the LOST island crashed into the plane!"

[bucksavage]

HEH.

 A guy walks into a bar and sees a patron with a dog beside him.  "they let him in here? " he asks.  "Yeah I know the owner here so they let me bring him in as long as he doesn't cause any trouble.  "  

"Hmm that's good cause, " he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a turtle, "I brought Bob my turtle in with me. "  he replied.  "Just took him to the vet, " he said, as the patron noticed all the bandages on the turtle.  
Hey sir, I bet that a round that my turtle can get to the end of the bar faster than your dog,!"

"You wanna bet?  You're on man!, and he let his dog go.  

The turtle owner just stood and whipped the turtle intop the wall at the end of the bar and said, "I told you it'd get there first.  Gimmie my beer.  "

[ToyotaWish]

LOL.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and
feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

"Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but,thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
awkward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I
can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of
her.

She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his
hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

No, I won't get mad", she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."



-------------------------------------------------

Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

--------------------------------------------------


Last night, grandma wore a see-through top, grandpa
didn't notice. The 2nd night grandma wore a bikini, grandpa
got a shock. And on the 3rd night, she got naked and grandpa says
to her: "why is your dress so crumpled..."

:D:D

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

-----------------------------------

A little boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy can take a shower with you?"
The mom says no, so the boys goes "please it's my birthday" "Ok" says the mom
"just don't look up or down" "Ok I promise" says the boy. But as soon as they're
in the shower the boy looks up and says "mommy what are those?" so the mom says
"those are my headlights" "oh" says the boy. Then he looks down and says "mommy
what is that?" so she says "that's my bush" "oh" said the boy.
So later the boy goes up to his dad and says "daddy can take a shower with
you?" and the dad says "no". "Please it's my birthday" "ok" said the dad "just
don't look down" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says "daddy what's
that?" so the dad says "that's my snake" "oh" said the boy.
So later that night the boy says "mommy, daddy can I get in bed with you I had
a bad dream" "no" say his parents. "Please it's my birthday" "Ok" said his
parents "just don't look under the covers" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams "mom turn
your head lights there's a snake in your bush!"

----------------------------------------

Little Johnny was 7 years old and likeother boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys,
and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains
one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick,
because her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because
pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and
slide down toward the end of the couch.
This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him
she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel had gotten inside
his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about
10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth
fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake
by our house!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of
a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting
again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.
I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got
up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp,
and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little
tired from the battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped
straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis
jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute
they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's
boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

--------------------------------


There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

[bucksavage]

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH