Awesomely bad jokes (PG15-Language)

[bucksavage]

Queen is taking a tour of an american hospital.  The doctors take her through one floor of the hospital and they happen upon a man in his room who is frantically masturbating.  The queen is disgusted, "Oh my lord, " she says, "What is the meaning of this?!? "This man has a serious condition in which his testicles rapidly fill with semen to the point of excruciating pain. If he doesn't relieve himself at least 5 times a day his testicles will burst and he could bleed to death, " the doctor explains.  The queen replies, "Oh my!  Well lets give him some privacy.  "

On the next floor they talk to the nurses and the staff and they visit some patients and they come accross a patient who is gettinga mother of a blowjob from a nurse.  "The Queen is shocked to say the least, "What is this now?!?!? " she says.  The doctors leans over to her and says, " Same problem, better health insurance.  "

[Mike]

what did the oceans say to each other?

nothing they just waved

[ToyotaWish]

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the Internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program/surveys.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

DO IT NOW OR ELSE.

And have a nice day!

[ToyotaWish]

Once upon a time, and far, far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to more than just satisfy his desire, but it would cost
him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.


The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.


The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous
and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.


The moral of the story - PAY YOUR BILLS.

[ToyotaWish]

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it.

"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Veronica."

[Power^Steer|nG]

Two house flies were eating shit, when one flie said, "I just came from a very neat and clean house and there was not even a single point of dirt". Other flie said, " aahhh c'mon dude... dont talk rubbish while taking meal." hhahahahaha

[Power^Steer|nG]

Once a drunkard went to a shop and asked for a freezer. the salesman said that we dont sale freezers to drunkards... he was so angry...

next day he dressed like a very big businessman ad went to the same shop and asked for the freezers. salesman said that we dont sale freezers to drunkards... he was so angry...
he again was stunned that how the hell did he recognized him..

next day he dressed like a prient and went to the same shop and asked for the freezers. salesman said that we dont sale freezers to drunkards... he was so angry...
he again was stunned that how the hell did he recognized him..

finally he asked salesman that how he came to know him everytime he disguised.
Salesman said, (pointing to the thing he was saying freezer) This is not a freezer, this is a cupboard... LOL

[ToyotaWish]

RA Joke alert!






















A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.

[NightmareNMX]

First-year students at Med School

LOL It really is important to pay attention :bigthumb:
Any more like this? I like that kind of stories

A woamn and her husband went to the doctor,they thought the woman was pregnant.During the examination the doctor mumbled and made some noises,and concluded the woman was not pregnant.
After a couple of months the couple again suspected pregnancy,and visited the doctor.
He did an examination and again got the result,no pregnancy.
Three months later the couple again suspected pregnancy and visited the doctor,after the usuall examination he stated it was not pregnancy causing the woman to get her stomack a bit swollen,the doctor said it could be gases.
The husband became upset and said that what was what you have said all times we have been here
I'm  a man not an airpump

Apologise for my bad english and wish you understand what I mean:)

Regards

[ToyotaWish]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there’s a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

:p:D

[ToyotaWish]

[Power^Steer|nG]

oh shit..... hahahahaha i just cant hold... LOL LOL somone please stop me... LOL.....:bigthumb:

[Power^Steer|nG]

Once there was going a competition in San Francisco in which the rule was that the one with biggest penis will win. Many people took part. People were hacing even 50 inches long... It was a very hard competiton. at last one with 52 inches was just to be nominated winner that suddenly something bad happened... something broke the wall with pressure, a little earthquake type thing happened and what poeple saw that a penis was moving forward and there was tag on it.

"Warning!!! Mr. ABC have started his travel to San Francisco from New York."

:bigthumb:

[ToyotaWish]

Once there was going a competition in San Francisco in which the rule was that the one with biggest penis will win. Many people took part. People were hacing even 50 inches long... It was a very hard competiton. at last one with 52 inches was just to be nominated winner that suddenly something bad happened... something broke the wall with pressure, a little earthquake type thing happened and what poeple saw that a penis was moving forward and there was tag on it.

"Warning!!! Mr. ABC have started his travel to San Francisco from New York."

:bigthumb:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, as a man was walking along an upmarket area in New York, he spotted another plainly dressed middle aged man leaning against one of the lampposts outside a grand 30 storey luxury hotel, puffing away at his cigarette. Being a non smoker himself, and wanting to do a bit of good that day, the 1st man approached the smoker and said, "Mister, if you don't mind me asking, how many cigarettes do you smoke a day?"

To this, the smoker replied "20 a day, 1 king size pack to be precise. Why?"

"Well, how much does a pack cost?" asked the 1st man.

"Around $7", replied the smoker.

"In that case, did it occur to you that you could save around $2500 a year by not smoking? Think what you could buy with that money. Plus it doesn't pollute and also makes others feel better", said the 1st man, smug in the knowledge that he could have brought some semblance of sense to the smoker.

The smoker, obviously getting a bit irritated at the line of questioning, asked the 1st man, "Do you own this hotel?"

"Why of course not, I can't afford to", said the 1st man.

The smoker replied, "Well, I do." Stubbing out the cigarette, he got into a waiting limousine and sped off, leaving the 1st man dumbfounded.

Moral of the story: Do not assume anything. Assumptions are the mother of all f*^k ups. Not all smokers waste money.

[TS]

A Mexican guy, a Russian guy and a Vietanamese guy are in a bar, the mexican guy farts, the russian guy yells (with a heavy accent) "Who farted?". The vietanamese guy says "Ai dit?". The Russian guy then goes on to cuss the viet guy out.










For those of you that don't get it, Ai dit means who farted in vietanamese, but when you pronounce it in english, it sounds like I did.