Awesomely bad jokes (PG15-Language)

[Sinister]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --
an American, a Russian, an Australian
and a Filipino.


He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing
you know?"


Dave, the American, replied,
"A THOUGHT. It just pops into your
head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of."


"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.


"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir ,
the Russian.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink!
It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."


"Excellent!" said the interviewer.
"The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular clich for speed."
He then turned to George,
the Australian who was contemplating
his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch,
you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that
switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes
on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of
light" he said.


Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino,
the fourth and final man,
the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied,
"Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat
the fastest thing is Diarrhea."


"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
were
already giggling in their seats...


"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio.
" You see, sir,
da ader day my
tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the toilet, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had alreydi 5hit in my pants!"
Eleuterio is now the
new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

[Car Freak]

This next one's REALLY corny, so a warning to all with weak bowels

What do you call a parrot who hasn't eaten for a day?




Polly-no-meal (Polynomial)


What do you call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a year?





Polly-gone (polygon)


What do you call a parrot that ate a clock?





Polly-ticks (politics)

[ToyotaWish]

[Power^Steer|nG]

Moral of the story: Do not assume anything. Assumptions are the mother of all f*^k ups. Not all smokers waste money.

TW is my Bro..LOL i am also a goddamn chain smoker and people say that i am wasintg time n money... now at least i have quote to defend myself... LOL thx

[ToyotaWish]

TW is my Bro..LOL i am also a goddamn chain smoker and people say that i am wasintg time n money... now at least i have quote to defend myself... LOL thx

You own a hotel?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? " "Yes...... speaking"

Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files...... HOW??"

"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company , "It's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[bucksavage]

I got one but it is a bit of a doozy.  

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?  

A Klondike...

[-Aka-NFSWiLL]

Hhhehhhahhaaaaa,hha i dont get it.. yes i do.  

[bucksavage]

Two dogs talking while their owners walk them:  

Dog one:  You know, humans are pretty wierd.  

Dog two:  How do you mean?  

Dog one:  Well take my owner for instance.  

Dog two:  Yeah, what about him?

Dog one:  he is really wierd...He picks up my turds.

[ToyotaWish]

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the Medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00". "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Power^Steer|nG]

Oh LOL LOL.... great joke

[Power^Steer|nG]

Once a guy got alladin's lamp. He rubbed it and a Jin appears, and says, "Oh my lord, what you wish?"

Guy said, "yeah... get me a horny lady"

Jin said, " Oh my Lord, I am a jin, not a fucking girl dealer"

[Lotec]

I was watching a baseball game and a dumb blond asked me "what is the score" and I said "2-2" and she said "who is winning"

[ToyotaWish]

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an
88-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went
home,
various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them
asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we
can
visit for a while
first."

Another half hour passed before another relative
asked,
"May we see the new
baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see
the
baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see
the
baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait
until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



 The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to
paint their room
without getting any paint on their clothes.

The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all
our
clothes off, fold
them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is
it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's
blind, he can't see.
What could it hurt." They let him in.

The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where
do
you want me to
hang the blinds?"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun
standing there. Out of
breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your
skirts for a few
minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police came running along
and
asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out
from
under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you
see
-- I don't want to
go to Iraq ."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your
fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think that I'm
rude
or impertinent, but you
have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,
you
would have seen a
great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq
either."

[BMWsport]

Let's see how this goes over - heard it on the radio about a year ago on the John Boy and Billy show.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
Jim falls into the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?
Jim takes a bath with Mr. Bubbles.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
Mr. Bubbles was his neighbor.

[TS]

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an
88-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went
home,
various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them
asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we
can
visit for a while
first."

Another half hour passed before another relative
asked,
"May we see the new
baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see
the
baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see
the
baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait
until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it."

LOL.