Picked this thread idea up from another forum, but it's a good one and has given me some laughs. Post any jokes you have that are so bad that they are funny...
So a jumper cable walks into a bar, the bartender says "i'll serve you... just don't start anything"
what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
-Dam
Two antennas got married, the wedding was crap but the reception was excellent
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Two muffins are in an oven, one looks over at the other and says "It's mighty hot in here"
The other muffin turns to him and says "Holy shit, a talking muffin"
ummm....yeah.
the chicken one was cool thoo :)
- Rick.
A woman stops by the market to purchase milk, eggs and bacon.
A drunk standing behind her in line says, "You must be single."
"You're right," says the woman. "You can tell that from my purchases?"
"No," says the drunk. "Because you're ugly."
:eek3:
Ouch.
I like the muffin one, but methinks I've heard the fish one before. Still, nice idea
Fresh one (just heard it :p):
Two girls, a blonde and a brunette, are walking. The brunette then says "look, a dead bird!" and the blonde starts looking up yelling "WHERE? WHERE?".
The chicken coop one was the best!
What kind of pen can fly?
neP toliP (answer is spelt backwards)
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!
John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. John said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter." As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet. Which place are you from?"
John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.
John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."
"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.
John replied, "Oh. Which team did she play for?" :D:D:D
Kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
He said a period.
She said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning
my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Two priests were on the way to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the shower b4 they realize that there is no soap. Father John says that he has soap in his room and goes to get it not bothering to dress. He grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers. He's halfway down the hall when he sees 3 nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The 3 nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The 1st nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap......Oh look, says the 1st nun.....It's a soap dispenser.
To test her theory, the 2nd nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough....he drops the 2nd bar of soap
Now, the 3rd nun decides to have a go. She pull once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.So, she gives several more tugs and then yells!
'HOLY MARY...MOTHER OF GOD' ......." Hand lotion too!"
Sorry, a little porno... :D:D:D
In a train compartment, there are three men and one ravishing young girl. The four passangers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs." Men being what they are, they all pull out a ten-dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"
Queen is taking a tour of an american hospital. The doctors take her through one floor of the hospital and they happen upon a man in his room who is frantically masturbating. The queen is disgusted, "Oh my lord, " she says, "What is the meaning of this?!? "This man has a serious condition in which his testicles rapidly fill with semen to the point of excruciating pain. If he doesn't relieve himself at least 5 times a day his testicles will burst and he could bleed to death, " the doctor explains. The queen replies, "Oh my! Well lets give him some privacy. "
On the next floor they talk to the nurses and the staff and they visit some patients and they come accross a patient who is gettinga mother of a blowjob from a nurse. "The Queen is shocked to say the least, "What is this now?!?!? " she says. The doctors leans over to her and says, " Same problem, better health insurance. "
what did the oceans say to each other?
nothing they just waved
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the Internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program/surveys.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
DO IT NOW OR ELSE.
And have a nice day!
Once upon a time, and far, far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to more than just satisfy his desire, but it would cost
him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous
and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
The moral of the story - PAY YOUR BILLS.
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
When she passed them,she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it.
"Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Veronica."
:D
Two house flies were eating shit, when one flie said, "I just came from a very neat and clean house and there was not even a single point of dirt". Other flie said, " aahhh c'mon dude... dont talk rubbish while taking meal." hhahahahaha
Once a drunkard went to a shop and asked for a freezer. the salesman said that we dont sale freezers to drunkards... he was so angry...
next day he dressed like a very big businessman ad went to the same shop and asked for the freezers. salesman said that we dont sale freezers to drunkards... he was so angry...
he again was stunned that how the hell did he recognized him..
next day he dressed like a prient and went to the same shop and asked for the freezers. salesman said that we dont sale freezers to drunkards... he was so angry...
he again was stunned that how the hell did he recognized him..
finally he asked salesman that how he came to know him everytime he disguised.
Salesman said, (pointing to the thing he was saying freezer) This is not a freezer, this is a cupboard... LOL
RA Joke alert! :D
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history.
QuoteFirst-year students at Med School
LOL It really is important to pay attention :bigthumb:
Any more like this? I like that kind of stories
A woamn and her husband went to the doctor,they thought the woman was pregnant.During the examination the doctor mumbled and made some noises,and concluded the woman was not pregnant.
After a couple of months the couple again suspected pregnancy,and visited the doctor.
He did an examination and again got the result,no pregnancy.
Three months later the couple again suspected pregnancy and visited the doctor,after the usuall examination he stated it was not pregnancy causing the woman to get her stomack a bit swollen,the doctor said it could be gases.
The husband became upset and said that what was what you have said all times we have been here
I'm a man not an airpump
Apologise for my bad english and wish you understand what I mean:)
Regards
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there’s a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
:p:D
(http://www.juicedfiles.com/files/zqui35n3yvbs3x2tqns1.jpg)
oh shit..... hahahahaha i just cant hold... LOL LOL somone please stop me... LOL.....:bigthumb:
Once there was going a competition in San Francisco in which the rule was that the one with biggest penis will win. Many people took part. People were hacing even 50 inches long... It was a very hard competiton. at last one with 52 inches was just to be nominated winner that suddenly something bad happened... something broke the wall with pressure, a little earthquake type thing happened and what poeple saw that a penis was moving forward and there was tag on it.
"Warning!!! Mr. ABC have started his travel to San Francisco from New York."
:bigthumb:
Quote from: Power^Steer|nGOnce there was going a competition in San Francisco in which the rule was that the one with biggest penis will win. Many people took part. People were hacing even 50 inches long... It was a very hard competiton. at last one with 52 inches was just to be nominated winner that suddenly something bad happened... something broke the wall with pressure, a little earthquake type thing happened and what poeple saw that a penis was moving forward and there was tag on it.
"Warning!!! Mr. ABC have started his travel to San Francisco from New York."
:bigthumb:
(http://www.hardwarezone.com/img/forums/styles/hwz/smilies/wobble.gif)(http://www.hardwarezone.com/img/forums/styles/hwz/smilies/wobble.gif)(http://www.hardwarezone.com/img/forums/styles/hwz/smilies/wobble.gif)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, as a man was walking along an upmarket area in New York, he spotted another plainly dressed middle aged man leaning against one of the lampposts outside a grand 30 storey luxury hotel, puffing away at his cigarette. Being a non smoker himself, and wanting to do a bit of good that day, the 1st man approached the smoker and said, "Mister, if you don't mind me asking, how many cigarettes do you smoke a day?"
To this, the smoker replied "20 a day, 1 king size pack to be precise. Why?"
"Well, how much does a pack cost?" asked the 1st man.
"Around $7", replied the smoker.
"In that case, did it occur to you that you could save around $2500 a year by not smoking? Think what you could buy with that money. Plus it doesn't pollute and also makes others feel better", said the 1st man, smug in the knowledge that he could have brought some semblance of sense to the smoker.
The smoker, obviously getting a bit irritated at the line of questioning, asked the 1st man, "Do you own this hotel?"
"Why of course not, I can't afford to", said the 1st man.
The smoker replied, "Well, I do." Stubbing out the cigarette, he got into a waiting limousine and sped off, leaving the 1st man dumbfounded.
Moral of the story: Do not assume anything. Assumptions are the mother of all f*^k ups. Not all smokers waste money.
A Mexican guy, a Russian guy and a Vietanamese guy are in a bar, the mexican guy farts, the russian guy yells (with a heavy accent) "Who farted?". The vietanamese guy says "Ai dit?". The Russian guy then goes on to cuss the viet guy out.
For those of you that don't get it, Ai dit means who farted in vietanamese, but when you pronounce it in english, it sounds like I did.
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --
an American, a Russian, an Australian
and a Filipino.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing
you know?"
Dave, the American, replied,
"A THOUGHT. It just pops into your
head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir ,
the Russian.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink!
It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer.
"The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular clich for speed."
He then turned to George,
the Australian who was contemplating
his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch,
you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that
switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes
on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of
light" he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino,
the fourth and final man,
the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied,
"Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat
the fastest thing is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
were
already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio.
" You see, sir,
da ader day my
tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the toilet, but before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had alreydi 5hit in my pants!"
Eleuterio is now the
new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.
This next one's REALLY corny, so a warning to all with weak bowels
What do you call a parrot who hasn't eaten for a day?
Polly-no-meal (Polynomial)
What do you call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a year?
Polly-gone (polygon)
What do you call a parrot that ate a clock?
Polly-ticks (politics)
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/comic-party.gif)
Moral of the story: Do not assume anything. Assumptions are the mother of all f*^k ups. Not all smokers waste money.
TW is my Bro..LOL i am also a goddamn chain smoker and people say that i am wasintg time n money... now at least i have quote to defend myself... LOL thx :D
Quote from: Power^Steer|nGTW is my Bro..LOL i am also a goddamn chain smoker and people say that i am wasintg time n money... now at least i have quote to defend myself... LOL thx :D
You own a hotel?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? " "Yes...... speaking"
Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files...... HOW?????"
"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company , "It's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
I got one but it is a bit of a doozy.
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A Klondike...
Hhhehhhahhaaaaa,hha i dont get it.. yes i do. :D ;)
Two dogs talking while their owners walk them:
Dog one: You know, humans are pretty wierd.
Dog two: How do you mean?
Dog one: Well take my owner for instance.
Dog two: Yeah, what about him?
Dog one: he is really wierd...He picks up my turds.
Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the Medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00". "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
:D
Oh LOL LOL.... great joke
Once a guy got alladin's lamp. He rubbed it and a Jin appears, and says, "Oh my lord, what you wish?"
Guy said, "yeah... get me a horny lady"
Jin said, " Oh my Lord, I am a jin, not a fucking girl dealer"
I was watching a baseball game and a dumb blond asked me "what is the score" and I said "2-2" and she said "who is winning"
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an
88-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went
home,
various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them
asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we
can
visit for a while
first."
Another half hour passed before another relative
asked,
"May we see the new
baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see
the
baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see
the
baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait
until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to
paint their room
without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all
our
clothes off, fold
them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is
it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's
blind, he can't see.
What could it hurt." They let him in.
The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where
do
you want me to
hang the blinds?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun
standing there. Out of
breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your
skirts for a few
minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police came running along
and
asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out
from
under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you
see
-- I don't want to
go to Iraq ."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your
fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think that I'm
rude
or impertinent, but you
have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,
you
would have seen a
great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq
either."
:D
Let's see how this goes over - heard it on the radio about a year ago on the John Boy and Billy show.
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Jim falls into the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke?
Jim takes a bath with Mr. Bubbles.
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Mr. Bubbles was his neighbor.
Quote from: ToyotaWishWith all the new technology regarding fertility, an
88-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went
home,
various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them
asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we
can
visit for a while
first."
Another half hour passed before another relative
asked,
"May we see the new
baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see
the
baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see
the
baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait
until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."
LOL.
LOL That was a good one!!
I got one that is actually a true story. I guess it is something that Winston Chruchill actuall said.
"Winston Churchill was a bit tipsy in the hHouse. A female member stood and said someting to the effect of "Sir you are drunk, this is an outrage!!"
And he said......
"yes madam, I am drunk, and you are ugly but tomorrow, I shall be sober....."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
because they have big fingers!
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.
"The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
:p
(http://i103.photobucket.com/albums/m131/suakukia/Etcs/fluffy_bunny.jpg)
LOFL @ that pharmacist joke.... hahahahaha
Monty Wolf and the 'Death Bunny' eh? Nice pics.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Funny!!!!!
This one was sent to me in an email:
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the
wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see
how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to
the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When
they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over
the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken
window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do
you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the
genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and
natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your
wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife".
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it
over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our
good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know
I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the
genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon
enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex,
the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old
are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO KIDDING?!?" he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"
Check out this video: Super Funny!!!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jhTxRssxfuI
And the original:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=6MvSAoJdMW0
A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.
The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"
And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the **** out!".
The next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!"
So the boss says, to him, "Get the **** out!" As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it."
So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?"
So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well shit, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and decide to stop for a rest.
They pull into a nice hotel and take a room, but they plan to sleep for only four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms are certainly not worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and! wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here and you could have," explains the Manager
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is made out only for $50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
:)
Owned. :p
How but a Yakoff Smirnoff joke?
In Mother Russia, you don't watch TV, TV watches you...
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, naked save for being wrapped in several layers of plastic wrap. the doctor looks him over and says, "Well, I can can clearly see you're nuts. "
Quote from: bucksavageHow but a Yakoff Smirnoff joke?
In Mother Russia, you don't watch TV, TV watches you...
This is called the "Russian Reversal" by the Portuguese Uncyclopedia and it's referenced in nearly every topic... "In Russia, the LOST island crashed into the plane!" :)
HEH.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a patron with a dog beside him. "they let him in here? " he asks. "Yeah I know the owner here so they let me bring him in as long as he doesn't cause any trouble. "
"Hmm that's good cause, " he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a turtle, "I brought Bob my turtle in with me. " he replied. "Just took him to the vet, " he said, as the patron noticed all the bandages on the turtle.
Hey sir, I bet that a round that my turtle can get to the end of the bar faster than your dog,!"
"You wanna bet? You're on man!, and he let his dog go.
The turtle owner just stood and whipped the turtle intop the wall at the end of the bar and said, "I told you it'd get there first. Gimmie my beer. "
LOL.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and
feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but,thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
awkward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I
can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of
her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his
hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
No, I won't get mad", she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
:D
-------------------------------------------------
Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"
"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."
--------------------------------------------------
Last night, grandma wore a see-through top, grandpa
didn't notice. The 2nd night grandma wore a bikini, grandpa
got a shock. And on the 3rd night, she got naked and grandpa says
to her: "why is your dress so crumpled...???"
:D:D:D
--------------------------------------------------
Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"
Little Johnny:- "None Miss".
Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"
Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".
Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."
Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"
Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"
Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"
Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."
Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."
-----------------------------------
A little boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy can take a shower with you?"
The mom says no, so the boys goes "please it's my birthday" "Ok" says the mom
"just don't look up or down" "Ok I promise" says the boy. But as soon as they're
in the shower the boy looks up and says "mommy what are those?" so the mom says
"those are my headlights" "oh" says the boy. Then he looks down and says "mommy
what is that?" so she says "that's my bush" "oh" said the boy.
So later the boy goes up to his dad and says "daddy can take a shower with
you?" and the dad says "no". "Please it's my birthday" "ok" said the dad "just
don't look down" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says "daddy what's
that?" so the dad says "that's my snake" "oh" said the boy.
So later that night the boy says "mommy, daddy can I get in bed with you I had
a bad dream" "no" say his parents. "Please it's my birthday" "Ok" said his
parents "just don't look under the covers" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams "mom turn
your head lights there's a snake in your bush!"
----------------------------------------
Little Johnny was 7 years old and likeother boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys,
and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains
one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick,
because her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because
pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and
slide down toward the end of the couch.
This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him
she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel had gotten inside
his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about
10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth
fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake
by our house!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of
a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting
again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.
I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got
up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp,
and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little
tired from the battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped
straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis
jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute
they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's
boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
--------------------------------
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH
Here's a worse one:
A man with a 25 inch long weenie goes to his doctor to complain that he
is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more
than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there
anything you can do for me?
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my weenie is
25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are
my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into
the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog
sitting on a log. This frog has magical powers. You must say to frog,
will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less
to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out
to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!"
The man looked down and suddenly his wee was 5 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" However he realized it's
still too long at 20 inches, so he asked the frog to marry him again."
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his pants, looked down, and it was another
5 inches shorter.
The man laughed,"This is fantastic." He looked down again, 15 inches
long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster,
just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond
and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times
do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!
(http://www.hardwarezone.com/img/forums/styles/hwz/smilies/wobble.gif) (http://www.hardwarezone.com/img/forums/styles/hwz/smilies/wobble.gif)
New one.
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam,
you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir,anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
~~~~~
A plane is just about to crash and a woman stands up, takes her clothes off, and offers anyone to make her feel like a woman one more time b4 she dies.
A man at the back takes his shirt off and says;
"here, can u iron this?"
~~~~~
A man came back from work, he immediately drop to the sofa lazily, calling out to his wife, "Hey you, bring a beer from the fridge fast, it is gona starrt"
Angrily, the wife fetched the beer to him, the man drink the beer real fast, and shouted out to his wife again for another beer,"Get me one more, quick, its gonna start sooooon", although unwilling, the wife still grudgingly fetch him another can.
This time the man took a longer time to finish the beer, and he shouted to his wife,"One more beer, it gona start anytime soon..."
This time the wife cannot take it anymore, she ranted, "The moment u came home, u drop like a log on the sofa, asking me to be ur waitress, waiting for your darn game to start.. who do u think i am... some sort... ... ... ... ..."
The man whispered, "Great... it has started... ... "
~~~~~
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"
~~~~~
A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor.
The assistant said, "Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?"
To which the blonde replies, "I've got Windows"
~~~~~
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT chick from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"
She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"
~~~~~
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
~~~~~
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch . It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHLOLOLOLOLHAHAHAHAHAH
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blowjobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
sceptical and laughed it off!
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're
gone!!!!'
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said,
"I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer.
"Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing,
"Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the
bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
disappointed with that."
Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with."
She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied.
"And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
"Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am , yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
HAHAHAHAH Holy crap! That was hilarious..........
Thought i'd revive this. :D
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon...
"F*** off,' she said, 'they're for the funeral."
Ouch LOL
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"
:p
here's a good one:
What's a mad person's favorite supermarket?
In-Sainsbury's!
Sainsbury's is a British supermarket.
A woman is pregnanat & her husband calls in hospital. Nurse tells him, "Calm down. Now tell me, is this her first child?' The husband replies, "No you fool, its her husband speaking".
Hahahaha......good one!
Quote from: ROCKPORT POLICE GUYhere's a good one:
What's a mad person's favorite supermarket?
In-Sainsbury's!
Sainsbury's is a British supermarket.
Alright, that's not a bad one...
Q: What do u call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a day?
A: Polly-nomial
Q: What do u call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a year?
A: Polly-gon
Quote from: Car FreakQuote from: ROCKPORT POLICE GUYhere's a good one:
What's a mad person's favorite supermarket?
In-Sainsbury's!
Sainsbury's is a British supermarket.
Alright, that's not a bad one...
Q: What do u call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a day?
A: Polly-nomial
Q: What do u call a parrot that hasn't eaten for a year?
A: Polly-gon
that one is already on here!
cheesy one
It is prior to the second flight of the Wright Flyer. Minutes before take-off, a little bird settles on the Flyer's top wing. Shouts from the ground crew won't make it budge. Wilbur doesn't seem to care and gives the go ahead. "But what if it sh*ts on Orville?" "It won't trust me." says Wilbur. The engines are started. The crew is dissapointed. The bird is still there. Seconds after take-off and the finally flies away. The crew's sighs of relief are cut short as the Flyer banks at a dangeorously large. Everyone gasps as the wing digs into the ground, tearing apart the aircraft. Everyone runs to the scene. Thankfully Orville isn't hurt, but his goggles were oblitorated. Wilbur asks his brother what happened. "Well, I thought I was dead, because everything went white!"
ask me if you don't get it straight away, tell me, and i'll tell you what it means.:bigthumb:
is it?
yep. page 2, sevenenth one down.
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fxxking perch."
Quote from: ToyotaWishLittle Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"
Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."
Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."
-----------------------------------
THATS AWESOMELY HILARIOUS. HEHEHAHAHA! Oh LOL! :bigthumb:
Quote from: ToyotaWishA guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fxxking perch."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAROFL!!!!!!!!!!!! :rofl: :rofl:
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never >amount to anything more than a two-bit paperpusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Quote from: ToyotaWishLawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never >amount to anything more than a two-bit paperpusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
already on here, slightly different.:o
Still fricjen funny though ROFL
Quote from: bucksavageStill fricjen funny though ROFL
sort of.:o
there are 9 dumb blondes and a brunnette holding onto the wings of an aircraft, which is losing height. a dumb blonde says that someone will have to let go to save the plane. the brunnette delivers a heroic farewell speech and all the dumb blondes clap!!! :rofl:
Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh
:beer: I LIKE IT
good innit!
whats an ostrich's least favorite song?
I Believe I can Fly!!!
:D
A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.
The police had the all the prostitutes lined up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.
Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
'That sounds good. I think I'll have some too,' Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.
A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, 'You're so old, how do you do it?'
'It's easy,' replied Grandma. 'I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!'
-----
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said
'Who r u?' (instead of 'How r u?'. )
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied
'me too, ha-ha.. .'.
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
-----
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man,
about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,
setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says:'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish. Each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited.
Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says,
'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!' says the man.
'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'
-----
In a city park stood two statues, one female, and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll sh!t on its head!"
A woman spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly, "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
keep 'em comin' TW!
Andy : This painting is accurately 500 yrs & 20 days old.
Roger : Amazing. How can you say so precisely?
Andy : 20 days back, I had came here & was told that its 500 years old.
A fan at a football game looks down the stadium stairs, and spots an open seat by the 50 yeard line. He approaches the man sittling next to it ans asks if the seat is taken.
"No, " the man says, "I used to bring my wife to all the games, but she passed away; since then, I've gone alone. "
"Why not invite a friend? "
"I can't. They're all at the funeral. "
Hehaa.. (what an Idea Naw) ;)
Quote from: bucksavageA fan at a football game looks down the stadium stairs, and spots an open seat by the 50 yeard line. He approaches the man sittling next to it ans asks if the seat is taken.
"No, " the man says, "I used to bring my wife to all the games, but she passed away; since then, I've gone alone. "
"Why not invite a friend? "
"I can't. They're all at the funeral. "
LOL
knock knock
whos there?
me. i kill you!
What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal?
A polar bear.
Man to sexy air hostess - Whats your name baby?
Air Hostess - My name is Benz sir.
Man - Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedez Benz?
Air Hostess - Yes sir. Same price.
:D yeah women want that $$ :p
I be Single clap,clap.
A man walks into a bar
ouch
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Heha, ah Bummer im not a Complete
Idiot tho,. :/ ;)
lol, nice one!
How do u make a dumb blonde laugh on Monday morning?
Tell her a joke on Friday night
How bout one that makes no sense? What do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee cord? My a@@. That's from Kung Pow: Enter The Fist. epic funny movie.
ABCDEFG - A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl
GFEDCBA - Girls Forget Everything Done & Catch new Boy Again.
Quote from: ROCKPORT POLICE GUYHow do u make a not so Bright blonde Guy, laugh on Monday morning?
Tell Him a joke on Friday night
:p
I just got that Hahahha,was a Good one. Thx RPG ;)
How bout this? You guys probably know what FUBAR and SNAFU stand for, ok, well how about BOHICA. No? It stands for "Bend over, here it comes again!" It's useful if you get repeated screwed over by a boss, superviosor or what have you.
A naked lady gets in a cab. Cab Driver looks at her.
Lady : Havent you ever seen a naked lady.
Driver : I have. I was just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me.
Quote from: _WiLL_:p
I just got that Hahahha,was a Good one. Thx RPG ;)
your welcome ;)